Week 10 – Sex Series #3

Here was our invitation for week 3!

 

 

This week we answered THE QUESTION that teenagers want to know about sex:  How far is too far??

I started by asking questions:

-Is it okay to kiss?
-Is it okay to make out?
-In your bedroom?
-With the door closed?
-Is it okay to let your hands wander if your clothes are on?

And so on and so forth.

There was some pretty heated discussion, and I was pleased with how honest the girls were!

Then we read the following passages together:

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”  [Ephesians 5:3]

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”  [2 Timothy 2:22]

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”  [1 Corinthians 6:18]

Then I took the girls into the dining room for an object lesson.  My youth pastor did a version of this (on a larger scale) YEARS ago and I’ve always remembered it.  An excellent illustration.

I hung three pillowcases on a clothesline on my dining room wall.  (The larger scale version was sheets on big easels on the stage.)

 

Before

 

The first pillowcase represented having sex.  I reached out and touched it with dirty hands – I smeared ketchup and mustard all over it.  Gross.

The second pillowcase represented “flirting with danger.”  Not intercourse, but impurity nonetheless.  I didn’t technically touch the pillowcase – I just went all around the edges.  I shook cinnamon, chile powder, and other colorful spices around the pillowcase.

As it hung next to the clean, white pillowcase, it looked dingy, spotted, very dirty.

The message was pretty clear:  you can’t walk right up to the edge and still stay clean. God says, “not even a hint.”

 

After

 

I asked the girls, which of these do you want to sleep with?  But MUCH more importantly, which of these do you want to be the condition of your body?  Your soul?

We came back into the living room and talked briefly about the concept of “margin.”

As human beings, we don’t live with much margin.  If curfew is at 12, we come in at 11:59.  Not 11 to leave room for margin.  If the speed limit is 55, we’re going 55 (or 61).  Not 45 to leave room for margin.  We are always living on the edge – what can I get away with?  How close can I get?

The consequences of breaking the speed limit or curfew aren’t great – but the consequences of stepping over the line morally are enormous.

I told the girls that when it comes to the physical nature of their relationships, they have to live with margin!  Decide now what’s “too far,” and back up 15 steps from there.  THAT’S where you need to live.  15 steps back from danger.  God says to FLEE from immorality!

If you’re living with margin, if you make a mistake or stumble forward – you still haven’t crossed your boundary line.

For example.  If you decide that you think it’s okay to kiss, but you absolutely WILL NOT make out while lying down or reclining – you should live somewhere around only kissing goodnight at the door or sitting up while watching a movie with the door OPEN and your parents HOME.

That way, if you fall over the line – you’ve only closed a door, or kissed in the car.  And you still haven’t progressed to something that’s caused you to lust, or that makes you OR YOUR Christian boyfriend stumble.

But if you walk right up to the edge of the line you don’t want to cross, and you say, “Oh, well I’m technically not doing anything wrong…” – if you stumble even once, just the tiniest bit – you will fall right into sin, impurity, lust, immorality.   And you will reap the consequences emotionally, in your relationship with God, your relationship with the other person, your reputation, your self-esteem, and a hundred other ways.

The road is always shorter than it looks.  We must live with margin!

I gave the girls some examples of safe dating and safe kissing rules.  Here are a few:

  1. Nothing below the neck (including wandering hands).
  2. Nothing comes off (not even if you’re wearing a modest turtle neck underneath…it’s a mental thing.  If you take off a parka to reveal another parka while making out, the only thing you and the guy are thinking is “We’re kissing and things are coming off…”)  Nothing means nothing.  Not jewelry, not shoes, not a sweater, not your hair tie, NOTHING.
  3. Nothing horizontal.  No laying down watching a movie together.  No laying down on the couch together.  No laying down under the stars together.  No reclining in the car.  Kissing or not, stay vertical at all times.

It will be pretty hard to get yourself into too much trouble if you follow all these rules (with margin!):  Nothing below the neck, nothing comes off, nothing horizontal.

  1. Never leave the house without a plan.  Never get in the car if you don’t know exactly where you’re going.
  2. Tell someone else your plan.
  3. Have an accountability partner: someone who will intentionally ask you tough questions, and someone with whom you can be honest.
  4. Discuss your boundaries with each other.  A campus pastor at my college often said, if you are having sex, break up!  It’s not worth it.  If God really wants you together, he can bring you back together, but He DEFINITELY doesn’t want you having sex outside of marriage.  If you’re having sex – break up now.
  5. Balance your alone time with groups of friends, double dates, and lots of festivals, concerts, and public places.  There are so many options (amusement parks, farmers markets, parades, live music, etc.)

Remember the sheets!  Live with margin!  Not even a hint!

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